my boyfriend is friends with his ex reddit
If they get defensive, you are unlikely to get anything productive out of the conversation, better to set it aside and pick it up later with a different conversational strategy. Then you 3 hang out. I like you but not that much. and then turned to his left and then did the exact same thing to her. During dinner, she kept going on and on about memories she had with my boyfriend in high school and she asked me, "Has he told you about how he asked me to prom? So my advice to you for the future is this: First- if you have a problem with a partner, ALWAYS have a mutual conversation. I didn't say anything because I don't think I can change his mind. if you trust and love this guy, then you should really believe him when he tells you that he has no feelings for her. Then you hang up and the reality sets in. Sussman says exes who have kids together should try to remain on good terms if possible, since they’ll be in each other’s lives for the long run. Or an insult. No issues. This actually makes sense that he would back out. Then eventually you might be good with them hanging alone. Maybe you shared a lot of great … I would suggest, as a strategy thing for the future, rather than a hard ultimatum it's better to do this as a conversation like 'It seems like you really aren't over your ex. I was open from the word go and introduced everyone at the first opportunity. All in all, don’t sweat the small stuff. I gave an ultimatum to a man. You deserve to be some lucky girl’s first choice. i hope this helps. If you're over somebody, you don't like everything they post. I like you but not that much. The way you phrase the question: * Is it normal? But when it mattered, he let me down. An hour later, he called me and said he couldn't do it. I apologized and we made up, but to this day I still don't think it's okay he did that. Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for three months. He's active in his ex's social media. You just have to look at it from his POV. They’ve been separated for 4 years and share one child together. I want to be okay with their relationship because we both love each other very much, but I just can't get over it for some reason. I think he should do more on his part to make you feel comfortable. How to get over my boyfriend being friends with his ex Me (23F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for 2 and a half years. I’ll use bf for boyfriend so it’s easier to read. We’ve been together almost a year and his ex who he was friends with but still intimate up until he and I started didn’t want to meet me because it would be “weird”. Need help with your relationship? However, if their interactions are too close, encroaching on your relationship, then that is a different story and should be handled accordingly. Do it calmly, without getting angry and emotional or accusing him of anything. It was hard for me because I knew that I had one foot out of the relationship already. If he won't make sacrifices or at least comprises to make you happy, he doesn't deserve you. It's not that I'm worried about him cheating, I'm literally just uncomfortable with the closeness of it all. Right on girl things will hurt but they will also get better. 6. This is a really, really tough one. Archived. You’ve learned and grown through this experience and it will only make you a stronger and better woman. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice. He can't just expect you to shut your feelings off. When to stay friends with an ex. They always hang out one-on-one. At some point in his life he loved her, and at this point he loves me. And he threw me and all of it away so easily. They were best friends for 5 years before they dated, dated for 2 years, stopped talking for 3ish years, and now they're best friends again. This sense of entitlement that people have in which they need a person to do whatever they fucking want in order to be comfortable with themselves is bullshit. You are going to find a great boyfriend because you know how to set boundaries and stick to your guns. When I first met her, he came up to her and hugged and spun her and he seemed incredibly happy to see her. When your boyfriend tells you that he's still very good friends with his ex, your heart might drop. He wanted to give us a real chance at happiness supposedly. Be a better person and work on self-care and treat your boyfriend better than any other girl can. More often than not they will instinctively tell you whatever you want to hear or whatever will absolve them of blame or whatever the 'right answer' is. It hurt so much to hear him say it, that I didn't even bother with a comeback. It's horrible and it puts strains on relationships on the long run. Think of yourself and your partner as teammates and solve the problem together- even if they are the problem, they should have 'keep the relationship problem free' as one of their goals, so they can be an ally and a teammate if you let them. * What can I do? If your boyfriend and his ex are friends after the breakup, you need not worry if it’s been long since they were together. Close. As long as he's being completely transparent and tells you everything where she's involved, is a good start. My boyfriend has a female friend who is his best friend and also his neighbor, so they hang out a lot on a whim, and get dinner, drinks. He originally agreed to it, and said he would tell his ex. When we first started dating, she was in a long-term relationship and I thought nothing of her friendship with my SO. I think you absolutely should feel the way you do about their relationship. You need to work together. A much better strategy is to request something, and then you can compromise on a plan that is mutually acceptable and leaves him feeling good about his relationship with you. For the first time he starts actively considering his options. ; Why your man might still be thinking about his ex, and why this often is something positive. I lost my best friend and my … She said "I've taken CC classes before, they're not hard. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, throughout this year we have really had only one continuous argument, his female friends, one being an ex gf. He assured me he was moving on and didn’t need her but clearly that was a lie. You can say that you left the relationship with more than what you came with, and I mean that in a good way. Ultimatums put people on the defensive, and more importantly they inhibit a discussion. My analysis of this whole situation (with what may be some useful thoughts for the future)-, This is a good attitude to have. An ultimatum is the end of a discussion, and that's always a bad thing as the discussion should continue unless there is truly nothing further to discuss. Yes I agree I’m having that issue now. In a recent Reddit thread, a woman asked whether she should be worried about the disproportionate number of women among her boyfriend's friends. That’s the thing. Actually, he does know better, he wouldn't have withheld who he was with from you despite telling you where he'd be. You assume everything is peachy. Haha, fuck that whole "he doesn't deserve you" shit. For the first time he has weighed the options and decided he'd rather lose you than go NC with his ex for 6mo. My boyfriend asked me to wait outside because he didn't want to make his friends feel weird that we were showering together. He needs to give it time. Even temporarily, even with the best of intentions, in that moment you're the bad guy in his mind. It seemed a bit weird how close they were, so I left him in January. Even then, I'd still bring my girl or other friends around just for the sake of respect. I don't even want to give him the title after this experience. i figured i'd comment because i've been on the otherside of this. You haven’t let go. Sending you hugs! This is a difficult cookie and I understand that it must be a fairly frustrating situation for you. It means he has to tell his closest friend goodbye for six months, that they won't be able to talk or give advice or anything. If he can't understand your position on this, if he can't respect your boundaries, then he doesn't deserve you. Once someone goes on the defensive you will not get considered answers, or even correct answers, you will get defensive answers. Defensive answers are not useful for you because they don't reflect what the person is actually thinking- while a good person won't actively lie in a defensive answer, you are unlikely to get the whole truth and even more unlikely to come to a productive compromise. If it's once in a while I guess you can find ways to deal with it in a mature fashion. My boyfriend and I have been dating on-and-off for 3.5 years but he is still legally married to his ex-wife. We’ve been together for over two years now. I also don't think that's productive as an ultimatum- it will just make him miss her, and he will resent you for that. as hard as it may be, something that may help is thinking about how he is with guy friends vs girl friends. Third and perhaps most importantly- don't take any of this (what happened or what I've said) as anything bad about you. Having friends who are women is fine because they’re just friends. So when I say I was done, I was finished with him. Posted by 2 years ago. About 6 months before we met, he broke up with his ex … And how curt he was over the phone. I don't want a relationship like that. If she doesn't trust him, that's HER problem. my bf has this long-time friend who hasn’t been appropriate with him, knowing he’s in a committed relationship with me. Why Did My Boyfriend Cheat on Me With His Ex-Girlfriend? "I can't kick this jealousy," she writes. But my girlfriend is friends with different groups of guys, some of whom she has slept with. The truth is that I've always found myself to be at best second in every relationship. My boyfriend is best friends with his ex wife. As long as you continue to focus on every day as a way to grow as a person and better partner then everything should happen as it should. His ex should at least try to respect your presence. You want to know why he could cheat on you when he always told you how much he loved you and how committed he was. Yes, they are together now and seeing their photos online just kills me. Yes it was, but I will point out WHY he gave that lie- you didn't do anything wrong there, but it may be helpful to understand.When you talk to a person, friend partner boss coworker etc, you start with a conversation. We talked about it and he was pissed off at me and said he was just excited about the band and he could have "slapped a wall." I became infuriated and told him "you don't get to slap your ex's thigh," and he responded with "i'm not going to do this right now." But he begged and pleaded and cried for me to stay. He should know better. Words don't mean anything, and neither do promises. I graciously gave him a second chance under false pretenses. A certain amount of insecurity is normal when it comes to an ex-partner, according to dating expert and behavioral scientist Christie Hartman, Ph.D. My boyfriend is still in close contact with his most recent ex in a way which is troubling me. Dead on. He doesn't deserve the honor. he probably acts very similarly with both but you just notice his interactions with her more because of their past. Your boyfriend's ex is a friend, remember that. Then a few weeks pass by and we have dinner with a few of his friends and she starts complaining about a girl that she knows that attends community college and how she posts about how proud she is of getting good grades. And it sounds like maybe he wasn't moving on. If he actually gave a shit, he'd understand why it's such a big deal that he was hanging out with here 1 on 1. He's a sounds like a clown who can't decide what he wants. This is by far one of the most common questions that people ask. He was my first "boyfriend." Your self worth is so much more important than a boyfriend. I asked for one boundary: for them not to hang out alone. I am still baffled by how quickly he did an about-face, how easily none of what he said previously mattered. That was an immediate red flag. He said, "I can't do it. The romance and the resentment need to be healed and becoming friends is a good way to deal with it. At the same time, a hard no contact for 6 months is pretty extreme. If your partner goes out of their way to stay in contact with their ex's friends and family, and justifies this contact if you question it, they may still be connected to their ex, according to Ross. If I want to hang out with her alone, I'm going to." Rather than asking your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex-girlfriend, tell him why it makes you feel uncomfortable. Because you have expressed many times how it makes you feel, and he's disregarding it because he doesn't want to feel tied down.. that's pretty selfish. It appears that she is the one more than likely looking for more than just a friend. Trust him … Even if he's mad at his ex and complains, the fact that they're on his mind is a red flag. I'm actually on the other end of this scenario.. and I don't fully understand why but it's caused problems. Now away run from her and find a good girl who loves you, New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice. It's OP who's drowning on her own insecurities and obstructing her boyfriend's freedom. Fast forward a few months and this time it's a double date with me and my boyfriend and her and a casual date. We regularly talk about our future together, but there is one thing getting in the way. People view these positive emotions as the number-one reason to stay friends with an ex (Mogilski & Welling, 2016). which I thought was strange because we were literally on a double date. Why would you bring up your relationship that is now over? So my advice to you for the future is this: First- if you have a problem with a partner, ALWAYS have a mutual conversation. So glad you know your worth! I’m sure he likes the attention she gives him as well. I talked to my boyfriend recently and let him know I felt the relationship was inappropriate and was making me uncomfortable. However if that person feels attacked (whether that feeling is justified or not) they go on the defensive. My boyfriend is best friends with his ex wife. I'm on good terms with all of my exes. Thanks. You were totally committed to the relationship and never even wanted to cheat on him. She passed by and emphasized how weird it was that he didn't let me in, as if she was trying to make me feel bad about it. It’s hard to be put through this torment, but it is what it is and your boyfriend has every right to be friends with whomever, despite the past. Ask him!" Being friends with your ex-boyfriend can work well if you’re clear about your boundaries and take it slow. I wished him and my ex-best friend a happy life and went on my way. This was all before I met her. Not even sure if I can trust anything a man says to me anymore. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! The latter is just not part of a healthy relationship. I explained that although they were ex's relationship wise, they are still friends and good people. there isn't much i can tell you besides to try your best to understand that they are just close friends. Another day after kayaking with him and his friends, we went to go shower and change at her house. A romance takes time to change into friendship and just be sure your boyfriend and his ex have had that time to themselves. However, they know as well as I do, that while they may be good friends, and people I care about, they're still my exes and in the context of me being in another relationship they understand reasonable boundaries. He knows he doesn't want to lose you, and he knows after what happened he's in the doghouse. EDIT: I issued an ultimatum because I backed off from him previously bc I was unsure of his connection to his ex. He isn't treating you with the respect you deserve. So I told him to tell his ex to back off. So, if your boyfriend or girlfriend still talks to their ex, I totally get why you might not be 100 percent on board with it. 2 of which I would still consider very good friends. Me (19F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for 1 year and 4 months. Second- there's a reason why ultimatums rarely work, and this is it. He assured me he was moving on and didn’t need her but clearly that was a lie. Keep your head up beautiful! They were best friends for 5 years before they dated, dated for 2 years, stopped talking for 3ish years, and now they're best friends again. As long as nothing physical happens they believe it is fine to do all sorts of uncomfortable things. I don't know why she's bragging about it." At that point, you aren’t even trying to be in a relationship with your ACTUAL girlfriend. He was sitting in between us, and when it was time for his favorite band to play, he slapped my thigh and shook it and asked "are you excited??" You’ll both need time to recover from your breakup, so give each other some space for a while. He is currently with you and not her. I would have a long talk with your BF about the boundaries and he if he can’t get on board I would look to move on. "For the sake of respect" is something I feel too many people tend to forget in a relationship. I should also add that she and my boyfriend make a lot of funny faces to each other and there's a certain intimacy that I feel very uncomfortable with. I actually wanted to meet her and a few of his other friends, because I wanted everyone to get along. He worked so hard to get me to be with him, to date him and lock me down. Some background: I’m a 18 F, my boyfriend is 19. One big one, is that we don't hang out by ourselves until my girlfriend has gotten to know them, trusts them, and is completely comfortable with me being alone with them. In this article you will learn: The clear answer to your question, “Is he still in love with his ex? If he actually gave your feelings a second thought, it would be easy to see how being close with an ex would make most people uncomfortable. Very rarely do things like this work where one person is not interested in more than a friendship. If you feel you're at the point where you want to tell your boyfriend that it's you or his friends -- that he honestly has to make a decision and choose between these two options -- then you should be worried. He was not friends with his ex when we started dating, but they reconnected somewhere along the … My boyfriend John (fake name alert) was really close with his ex, whom he had broken up with seven years prior. She's non-negotiable. Don't let this harm your self-esteem- you sound like a great girl and you will find another guy who is truly dedicated to you. She's non-negotiable." Saying that I mattered, that he didn't cheat on me (which he didn't), that he couldn't let me go. i'm a girl and my ex and i are best friends and any new girl he starts dating immediately has trouble with me. I also stated that I am still friends with ex… i hope everything works out for you!! Lesa. Never let anyone try to force you into shit. my advice for you is as much as it makes you uncomfy, just remind yourself that you are his girlfriend and that he has feelings for you, not her. His ex… With my partner who wants to hang out with his ex just the 2 of them and he believes that he should be able to have single females friends still while we are in … How one person feels about you does not make an evaluation of you as a person. In the meantime, focus on doing the things you love and building your confidence. You have every right to feel this way. At the very least you should be concerned about how she wants to make you jealous. Evident signs that he does miss his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, and the best action to take when a guy talks about his ex to you. I can't stop hearing that phrase. Once I found out he had gone out with his ex multiple times (he told me where he was going, just not with who) I walked away. It always used to hurt me and cause tremendous insecurity within my heart. Fortune has smiled upon you friend. Don’t focus on the negative. He should respect that you don't want them hanging out alone. But when he knows he has feelings for his ex and continues to spend exorbitant amount of time with her, you aren’t moving on. That way getting him to move on becomes something you both work on together, that he feels supported on, rather than something adversarial that he feels forced into and may resent you for. It hurts so fucking bad. At the end of his stay, my ex told me, "I like you Rach, but I think like your boyfriend even more." And so he decides that being able to still see his ex is non-negotiable. My self-esteem has taken a hit. ... and she said I should ask reddit and then I went to that other sub but now I'm here. Because you are, and you can't imagine not being so totally and completely freaked out. Wow I don’t know why the ex sent you that. I was in community college. As cliche as it sounds, focus on what’s meaningful. The culmination of all of these actions made me not like her as a person. I did something I never EVER thought I'd do. The entire relationship, I've had a problem with his best friend, who is his ex-girlfriend (23F). I find it difficult to be that close to someone I have had intimacy with for a long time and watch them fall in love with another person. I hung up the phone and I haven't spoken to him since. I get that she's a friend and on some level you'll always have a bit of feeling for her. They started texting again pretty soon after. I think maybe if you avoid contacting her for a few months that would be a good step. I also feel guilty because he has told me he feels guilty whenever he messages her or hangs out with her and he has to mentally prepare himself to tell me he's going to hang out with her. Respectful advice is appreciated. Even though they have a legal separation agreement that covers my boyfriend’s financial obligations to his ex and their child, he goes above and beyond. I don’t want to become just another girl on a long list of women he’s loved. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Me (19F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for 1 year and 4 months. Think of yourself and your partner as teammates and solve the problem together- even if they are the problem, they should have 'keep the relationship problem free' as one of their goals, so they can be an ally and a teammate if you let them. I don’t see exes as just friends, though. You already have a huge upper hand, however don’t let her backhanded comments get to you, even if they are low-key jealousy based. If your boyfriend makes you happier than a girl with an unlimited credit card in Sephora, hold on to it. If your boyfriend keeps bringing up his ex, that could be a sign, he still has feelings for them. 4 of my ex's are dating my friends and are close with my current girlfriend of 8 years. I've communicated my discomfort with the closeness of their relationship very many times, basically everything that you just read, but every time he either gets frustrated or upset and says that he's not interested in her in the slightest and that I have nothing to worry about. Press J to jump to the feed. I would also add that he loves the fact he has two girls “fighting” for him. What do you think?'. And she clearly has feelings for someone else. I was a little jealous, but I just let it go. Finally, I decided to give her one last chance because she invited us to go on another double date to a concert where my boyfriend's favorite band was playing along with a few other bands. But, it's important to try to maintain a cool head, bearing in mind that half of men and 42 percent of women would stay friends with their exes, as reported by Elite Daily . Totally agree with you! Everyone is entitled to their own emotions. So when you say 'this is what you have to do to keep me' he is on the defensive and jumps at that without thinking and immediately says yes. He said "I don't want to feel like I'm in a relationship where I'm tied down. He’s not worth your time or energy...you did the right thing! Maybe hang out more the 3 of you. One is a very close family friend (we dated over 10 years ago ) the other is my ex husband (we share kids, so that's an obvious one). But I’m happy he did - otherwise you would have never know this went down. He's gone the wrong way about it for sure. We only got back together and gave this a “real shot” because they were not communicating. This can be a useful back and forth, and people will (sometimes) give considered answers. I get where you’re coming from but, no way am I going to be with someone who is friends with their exes.